Emotional Typhoon of the August Full Moon

Woke up this morning feeling like I'd survived a typhoon of emotion.  Yesterday was the last day of the full moon and the energy had been building.   It's as if it was supercharged and like a huge etheric mixer, dipped its beaters into the pain I had been carrying and was sitting just beneath the surface. 

It began with a feeling irritable then as the morning wore on, the energy seem to amp up and my repressed feelings right along with it.  By 11am the pain literally engulfed me.  Before I knew it I was hitting a chair in my walk-in closet with a shirt, cussing and just...well...felt ready to explode!  (I was supposed to be ironing.)

One of the things that was causing me pain was a gut feeling that Gracie, the dog I had rehomed several months ago was not doing well. I had had concerns the night I agreed to let her go because I hadn't checked out the home where she would be living.  I had made the decison to let her go to this couple who arrived that evening, driving 40 miles in the pouring rain to see her.  They seemed so right...with 2 boys who would be have to give Gracie the play she wanted.  And she was really being adopted by the wife who had lost her Dachsund the year before.  I like Carey's (her name) energy and felt that she would love Gracie as I did. 

So, with teh pain and the concern now at a maximum, I decided to call this couple to check on Gracie and to take a trip to Ottowa, 40 miles south of Kansas City, to visit her.  I needed to put my mind and heart at rest about my decision.  Long story short, the phone number was no longer any good and the address wasn't eaither.  In fact, Roger, the husband, had given me an address at which they had not lived for over a year!  Now I was really freaked, my stomach in turmoil as thoughts of Gracie being abused grew and grew in my head.  All my feelings of being a bad mom, of not caring enough came rushing to the surface and I just wanted to cry.  What had I done to my little Gracie Mai?

You can imagine how the evening went...I sat around feeling traumatized by my feelings.  Finally decided to go upstairs to my room...just bought a new little rocker recliner that serves as the place where I mull over things, talk with my guides and do counseling sessions.  Eventaully I was able to calm donw and think things through.  I called on my soul to help me.  "Please help me understand what this is about.  Is Gracie really in trouble?  if so, you're gonna have to help me find her cause all my efforts failed." (I had even ordered a background check online to find Roger and Carey's latest address but it turned up nothing.  I had hit a dead end at every turn.)  "If she needs me, send me a sign and a way to find her.  I'm letting go now and leaving her in your hands."

this morning I woke up and felt lighter...I felt that Gracie was okay and I had overreacted. the reason was that I did not hold my boundary about checking out the potential adopter's home before agreeing to let Gracie go to that family.  Many things had transpired that day that brought me to that point.  Suffice it to say that by the time the couple showed up, I was ready to toss my need for extra due diligence to the wind.  So the pain was from not knowing where she was and not having done my homework to ensure that I knew.   In other words, I didn't take care of myself by ensuring that I could be and remain at peace with my choice of a new family.  So, my Inner Child was really pushing that point; she felt I had let her down by not ensureing we knew where Gracie was, and with the help of the full moon's amped up energy, she was able to dial up the pain meter to the point it grabbed my full attention!  She certainly accomplished that!

Today, I understand it better.  I needed to release that pain...it had been with me since last February when I let Gracie go.  Carrying that was not helping her or me and my soul knew that.  So she used the energy fo the full moon and my Inner Child's need to express her feelings about it to bring it to the surface for clearing.  My friend, Julie said as we talked this morning by phone, "Maybe you are clearing for all mothers."  I think she may have a point there.  Each time any of us mothers clear our pain around our mothering we help all mothers.  Thanks Julie.

A walk down memory lane.

Today I dropped a couple of sessoin recordings by a client's office.  Her office is in the same building where mine was when I owned Creative Referral Networks.  though I drive by the building numerous times during the week, I've not been inside since 1996.   In August of that year, I packed my things and moved out leaving the business to my assistant.  I recall how frightened I was to leave not only my business but a great career and my reputation behind.  I was leaving to become a psychic/counselor after having spent 6 long years building a networking business. 

Walking down the hall, I noticed how hard it was not to cry as I peeked into the office suite that had once been mine.  I could almost smell the fresh coffee brewing just as it had so many mornings as I walked through the door.  Marla, my assistant was already there.

Walking further down the long hall towards the end where the management office for the office suite I orignally had was located, I peeked into the reception room and saw the daycare across the parking lot.  it was a La Petite and I chose a one-room office that overlooked it so I could see my then 3 year-old daughter playing in teh playground.  Additionally, I could pop in and see how she was doing during the day.

Suddenly the pain of those years and all that was lost washed over me and again I fought back the tears.  They were beautiful years but isn't funny how we tend to remember the pain more than the joy?  My little girl is all grown up now....

Standing in the elevator as it made its way back to the ground floor, I remembered myself standing there...smartly dressed in a busienss suit with matching high heels, perfectly manicured nails, and briefcase...thinking about the next appointment, wondering if I was going to meet the montly bills.  I wanted to be able to travel back in time and talk to that 34 year old version of myself and let her know that she could relax...that everything was going to work out just fine.  She would eventually own a house...something I so wanted for Danielle and myself back then.  I would tell her that Danielle would be okay and she would grow into a fine young woman.  I wanted to tell her that her business was simply the training ground for what she really came to this planet to do.  I wanted to tell her that she would indeed leave a legacy...again something I wanted to do even back then. 

I got off the elevator, my heart still aching, walked out to my car, got in and drove away.

Coming out of the holding pattern and feeling Jupiter's influence of expansion.

Don't know about you but I feel we are coming out of that holding pattern we were in for awhile...at least to some degree.  There's still the question about what next year's assignment will be about but money has begun flowing and I've felt a great need to get things ready for some big push...as though once it begins there won't be time for doing these things.  On the business front, I felt I needed to streamline traveling by lightening the load I must schlep around from airport to airport.  One suitcase and one carry on that holds my computer and essentials that is easy to carry and can slip onto the handle of my suitcase.  On the home front, I'm replacing doors that are so drafty in the winter and having all my windows insulated.  I sense it may be a long cold winter. 

Fortunately money is flowing again, thansk in part to good ole Juptier and some major emotional clearing.  That means paying cash for many of these things.  Oh the joys of purchasing a 20 year old home in need of having jsut about everything replaced!  I'm glad the energy is supporting anything that can save energy or make money right now. 

Two sounds I love in the morning.

Two sounds that I love in the morning....the sweet sound of your baby's laughter when you first walk into his/her room, and the wonderful gurgling sound of coffee brewing.  Though my baby girl is all grown up now, I still remember her laughter and how she would reach out her little arms for me to pick her up when I'd walk into her room in the morning.  Holding her in my arms while the enchanting aroma of fresh brewed coffee wafted up the stairs from the kitchen...it was in those moments that life seemed perfect.  I'm so grateful for them.