Jake chooses Vienna--why we disapprove

You could almost hear the collective groan from viewers as Jake, this year's bachelor, got down on bended knee and asked Vienna to marry him during the final episode of the TV series, the Bachelor. I simply shook my head in dispair cause though I know she is not right for him in the long term, she is what he must learn from in the shortterm. Unfortunately most of the viewers, unaware soul lessons, did not recognize this and therefore disapproved. Some became vehemently angry. Why would we let soemone else's choice affect us so strongly? I think the answer lies in the fact that we have all made relationship choices that we regret and therefore get angry when we see others headed down the same path, totally disregarding our advice to the contrary. So what's behind it all? Let's take a look.

Jake is very handsome and intelligent 31 year-old pilot who has never been married. Jake has integrity and good family values so what's the problem? In my opinion, Jake has a challenge with commitment. Fear of commitment stems from a belief that we are not good enough to be loved and therefore, once our beloved figures this out, he/she will reject and abandon us. More on that in a moment. Let's look at the two women left standing after weeks of elimination.

Tenley, the viewers' favorite, is a 25-year old dancer who works in college admissions. Bubbly, intelligent and beautiful with integrity and good family values, she is both Jake's intellectual and emotional equal. Having already been married once, Tenley has some life experience so she is more capable of making a marriage work. It was obvious to most of us viewers...and Jake's family that Tenley was the best choice. From a family perspective Tenley was a better fit because her parents are still together and appear to have a solid a relationship as Jake's parents.

On the down side, Tenley hides her dark side and when one does that, his/her lower chakras are shut down. This results in a loss of sexual openness causing a potential mate not to feel sexually attracted. Showing only her light side Tenley seems above reproach. this makes a man feel he can never live up to her standard and never show his dark side for fear of disapproval. This, I believe is the reason that Jake did not choose her.

Vienna was the viewers' least favorite...in fact, many disliked her. Vienna is a young 23 year-old marketing rep.  Both immature and something of a drama queen, she is neither Jake's intellectual or emotional equal. Vienna is also bold, aggressive and not afriad to go after what she wants regardless of what others think. These traits both scared and intrigued Jake as he seems a bit shy and timid. After all, he didn't have a single date is high school. Yet her boldness is not born of strength but of a sense of entitlement and insecurity. We know this because she cares not whom she hurts when in pursuit of her desires. When boldness is born of strength there is a sense of respect and consideration for others. Vienna made it clear to the other girls that she was not there for friendship, only for Jake and seemed genuinely surprised that the girls disliked her.

Vienna is very sexy, in fact, she leads with sex...something that attracted Jake because he appears to be little sexually timid. Vienna is also daddy's girl who has been treated like a little princess by her father and expects that to continue. Yet, underneath all her bold, overtly sexual behavior is a young girl with little self-esteem who has been taught that she cannot make it on her own and must have daddy or a daddy figure to take care of her. This dependency along with the sex is what attracted Jake, overcoming his fears of commentment since this girl is more likely to suffocatingly possessive of him than abandon him.

As both Jake and Vienna assert, they are soulmates. I have to agree. What they don't realize is that some soulmates are also lesson mates. This means they are together to learn the same lesson. There are telltale signs that indicate a lesson mate relationship. They are:

intense sexual attraction and passion
codependency and blurred boundaries
loss of individuality and personal identity (where do I end and you begin?)
chronic conflict

So what's the lesson these two soulmates are here to learn?  To learn how to love themselves and not give up their individual needs, hopes and dreams when in love.  This is not an easy lesson and because it is so challenging there must be something they have in common that is strong enough to keep them together until the lesson in learned.  That something is hot, passionate sex.

Such strong sexual attraction effectively blinds both partners to the reality of each other's character flaws. Jake sees a sweet misunderstood girl in Vienna and I beleive he feels her single-minded devotion to him is a clear sign that she loves him. This eases most if not all his fears taht she will abandon him. But, what he fails to consider is Vienna won't tolerate long absences while he flies around the country.  Long or consistent absences will cause her fears to take flight--Vienna's insecurites regarding other women--already evident on the show--will play on her mind while she waits for his return. Jake will find himself constantly having to account for his actions in order to assuage his wife's fears of infidelity.  This will wear on the realtionship and begin to stifle the passion. Moreover, based on her family pattern of obesity...the fear and resulting frustration will see her turning to food for comfort thus causing her to gain weight..something her family already struggles with.

It's very likely that should Jake make Vienna his wife, her fears and drama a becoming tiring for his family they will begin to back away. This will only lead to alienation of Jack from his family as Vienna, sensing her in-laws disapproval, will begin to demand his loyalty. Now in the middle between his wife and his family, Jake may begin to think that he has paid too high a price. At that point he will have to make a painful decision...to love himself enough to let go, or give in and choose between his wife and his family. It is at this point when work or some addition will become the means to escape the pain. The passion that drew them together will become buried under layers of anger, pain and Jake's growing feelings of resentment and being suffocated.

If Jake realizes the lesson, to stay committed to himself, his values, goals, dreams and boundaries when in love with another, he will realize that Vienna is not right for him. He will be grateful to Vienna though, and thankful that, as a soul, she loved him enough to show him how his Inner child felt about him when Jake was in a relationship. Vienna will be acting out the feelings and behavior of Jake's Inner Child. At that point he will lovingly let go and be ready to move on to a woman much like Tenley, but one who is in touch with her Dark side so that the sexual attraction will be there too. The sex won't be as intense but it will be a healthy attraction, one that enables both partners to maintain their boundaries and personal integrity in the relationship. It is at this point that Jake will know real love...because he now knows self-love.

On the other hand, this couple could turn things around if both get the lesson, learn to love themselves, reclaiming their individuality and setting healthy boundaries.  Vienna would have to grow up and learn to parent herself which means becoming her own daddy and learning to achieve her desires with respect for others.  Jake would have to risk her anger and feel the pain of allowng her to suffer the consequences of her actions.  If she does and she stays, Vienna and Jake could have the relationship we all want.